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  •   My First Wife          It was our anniversary and we celebrated with a cupcake and a single candle. I’d found some walkie-talkies in the dumpster and you ran outside to see if they worked. I sat at the kitchen table and listened as you told me that you thought you heard “truckers in between the static of us.”          The next year, I brought you a rock polisher I’d found at a garage sale. I know, I know, not very romantic. Still, you once had told me that you adored polished ag…
  • Shoo, Shoo          Shoo, shoo, my wife said, but those were not the words. Quite obviously those were not the words. We might as well have thrown a bottle of Jack and a dime bag of skunk weed down from our bedroom window and said, hunker down fellas, stay awhile. These were jazz musicians and my wife had said shoo.           Earlier that day, we’d gotten the test results. It ended up being both our faults. Her eggs were bad and my sperm was lazy. We sat in the parking lot of the clin…
  • I TOLD CARMEN I HAD A SURPRISE FOR HER. We were at Manny’s Good Time, and she was lit on gin and juice. She was acting like a little kid, calling me Ricky in this high, squeaky voice. She was sitting on my lap, and she had her skinny arms draped around my neck.          “Tell me what it is, Ricky,” she said. “Tell me, tell me, tell me.”          It was a happy hour and I breathed it all in. There were two-for-ones and free hot wings and Darlene, Manny’s wife, was calling ou…
  • Willem and Trudy, Deuce and Me I was hired to care for Willem Cosgrove after his first hospice nurse quit.  He was dying of lung cancer, and between coughing fits he called out for someone named Doris.  This was not his wife's name. His wife's name was Trudy.  She was in the room next door.  She was dying of bone cancer, and luckily she could not hear for shit.  Trudy had her own home health care aid, Deuce.  Sometimes Deuce brought a bottle of Captain Morgan, and we sat at their kitchen t…
  • Willem and Trudy, Deuce and Me I was hired to care for Willem Cosgrove after his first hospice nurse quit.  He was dying of lung cancer, and between coughing fits he called out for someone named Doris.  This was not his wife's name. His wife's name was Trudy.  She was in the room next door.  She was dying of bone cancer, and luckily she could not hear for shit.  Trudy had her own home health care aid, Deuce.  Sometimes Deuce brought a bottle of Captain Morgan, and we sat at their kitchen t…
  • I TOLD CARMEN I HAD A SURPRISE FOR HER. We were at Manny’s Good Time, and she was lit on gin and juice. She was acting like a little kid, calling me Ricky in this high, squeaky voice. She was sitting on my lap, and she had her skinny arms draped around my neck.           “Tell me what it is, Ricky,” she said. “Tell me, tell me, tell me.”           It was a happy hour and I breathed it all in. There were two-for-ones and free hot wings and Darlene, Manny’s wife, was…